'Fast Five' (God, I wish I was kidding) trailer

Yes...another Fast and Furious movie. Why? I don't know. But, here's an awesome quote from this gem of a movie, "And above all else, never...ever... let them get in cars." This fine quote is followed by various shots of cars revving engines, girls in short skirts walking slowly and Paul Walker and Vin Diesel in a car ("Let's go surfing...dude!). Then the lines get even more stupid, "This just went from mission impossible to mission in-freakin'-sanity." Yes, that was an actual line uttered in this trailer.

Then it just gets more ridiculous with shots of trains smashing into trains and then people jumping off the train onto speeding sportscars in the desert. Oh, always remember that if jumping off the roof of a building, flailing wildly and then crashing into a tin-roof and falling more...you'll be fine. It happened in a Fast Furious Four Five Fun movie. Alsom this model is fully loaded! Ugh!

Oh, dear GOD...it gets worse! They actually take two sportscars, yank out a safe from a bank and drag it through the streets as it slides around and smashes into things. Please, Mythbusters, please do an episode on how stupid this is!

'Frozen' trailer

Ok, before I even watch this trailer, it sounds a lot like 'Open Water' only on the ski lifts.

Here's a rundown pre-trailer watching. Three snowboarders get left on the ski lift and the ski patrol turns off the lights and lift until the following weekend. They start getting hypothermia and I start getting angry over the fact that there is NO WAY a ski resort would leave passengers stranded on the ski lifts. Even if they are closed until the next weekend, they would have security or something on the resort so that people don't come and ride down the mountains while they are closed.

Let's see if I start getting angry while I watch the trailer:


- "14 Miles up...dangling from a lift...no one can hear you freeze"

- I bet at the end they unstrap their coats and plummet into the waiting mouths of the sharks below.

- Actual words on the screen: "Will do for skiing what JAWS did for swimming". Oh dear God!

-Why the fuck would wolves be running around under them? That would seem like a little bit of a tough meal to wait for. I mean, they'd be better off going and finding a deer, or something over three moronic humans on a ski lift dangling from the line.

- Oh sweet merciful crap! Here are the last things that flash by: At least one person getting nom-nom'd on by at least one wolf. One of them (probably the nom-nom one) jumping from the lift. First legs out, then legs straight down until a sickening celery-stalk crunch rings out no doubt. And the girl one getting her bare hand frozen to the ski lift.

This is probably going to be one of the dumbest movies of 2010. And that tagline I made up better not get stolen by the studio. I'm copywriting that bitch!

'Stan Helsing' "movie"

If you watch this trailer and do anything akin to laughing, I might have to track you down and kick you in the coccyx, seriously. If possible, this "spoof" has become the dumbest piece of shit to grace a DVD. It's kind of like when that one stupid "spoof" made fun of Paris Hilton being a dumb, slutty moron; it's not funny when we all know it's true. It's not clever or ironic...or funny. Look! Pinhead has giant pins sticking out of his head, just like regular Pinhead...but they're BIGGER! Now let's laugh? Freddy Krueger has a Hamburger Helper hand that he slaps people, all standing in a row, with! And he says "bitchslap", SO 1996 and relevant. Oh my god, oh my god, let's take Van Helsing and make it Stan Helsing! It's genius (no, it isn't!).

Why? Why would someone finance this? Seriously? Someone pitched this idea to someone and that someone gave the other someone MONEY to make this...thing.



Thanks IWatchStuff ?

iMurders trailer

iStupid. iDumb. iRetarded. See, I can do it too! I can put a lower-case 'i' in front of words too and make a title. Hey, Robbie Bryan? I wouldn't put my name at the end, or the front, or at any point of this movie. Why do people nobody has heard of always insist on putting their names in the trailers?

I don't know either...anyway, this delightful film (it's not delightful) has the look and feel of a mid-90's computer game trailer. Which wouldn't be a problem if it was the mid-90's and it was a video game. It's like someone took half a dozen characters from everything from gay comedy to Lifetime Original Movie, and plopped them into a movie that covered the story lines of anything from Scream to P2. Yeah...that one!

Let's watch the trailer:


People play a game (oooh) on a site called FaceSpace (umm...sorry? FaceSpace? Why not TwitBook? Or MyFace?) and DIEEEEEE horrible deaths! How does someone get 'systematically killed' in a chatroom? They might get killed in their homes after visiting the chatroom, or did we also rip-off Virtuality too? This trailer makes my head hurt!

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (yeah...that's the title)

Let's keep this description of this tripe simple: Further raping of one of my childhood cartoons and the fact they are in love with themselves in drag...

Hi! Can you be more condescending please?

Look, I am not one to get offended by anything. But there is one thing that sets my phasers to destroy (like the Star Trek reference?) and that is condescending talk about women only being interested in cooking/cleaning/big closets to put their shoes/clothes/purses in.

So when I saw this headline from one of my favorite sites: San Diego Comic Con: Not Really For Girls? I just had to run over and read. This isn't something io9 was saying, they were reporting on two specific things. One being a contest put on by IGN open only to males in the United States aged 18-24 to win a "journalistic assignment" in a tie-in for District 9. The irony is well...ironic (see, if you aren't aware District 9 is a movie about some aliens from outer space that land on Earth and are forced into internment camps and deals with issues of treating intelligent beings as second class citizens [in this case the irony is that this contest is open to only males and treats women, who aren't the "target" audience as second class citizens. I know it's not completely the same...but the second topic of this article deals with the second-class citizen part])

IGN claims it's not their fault (as is covered on io9) because it was a marketing event from the studio aimed at a narrow audience...apparently girls don't like alien movies. Funny...I quite like them (Just NOT Fire In the Sky and certainly not Communion) guess I'm not a woman, or over the age 18-24. They've since decided this is probably not the best image to throw out there and have created an "equal" contest for those pesky females. No one who came up with this contest thought about the fact that a lot of these men might actually enjoy being interviewed by a cute girl asking about District 9?

Now onto the other topic covering Comic Con. It's an article from the L.A. Times! Apparently women only care about Twilight and New Moon (look, I just saw the first one and while I enjoyed it, I'd hardly scream for the stage to get near those pot-head kids). They mention True Blood (which I love) and rushing to the stage to offer to (wait for it...) do Jake Gyllenhaal's laundry on his abs! Look, no offense to Jake Gyllenhaal, but I wouldn't offer to do his laundry, nor any man's laundry on anyone's abs or in their washing machines; they can do their own damn laundry, this isn't 1952!

What makes this article so annoying is that they assume women don't watch or play things targeted at men and wouldn't want to go to Comic Con just for the good ol' geekery of it, or to see people in movies or shows they like for any other reason other than "they take their shirt off".

Apparently, according to IGN and The LA Times, women should be happy to wash clothes and see shirtless men...while I don't mind washing my own clothes and seeing a nice looking shirtless man, that isn't what I am interested in seeing at Comic Con. I wonder why there isn't a Boy's Guide to Comic Con, wherein we see how many women take their tops off? Hmmm...