'Drive Angry' IN 3D! trailer

Oh look! ANOTHER 3D movie. This one has Nicolas Cage playing Ghost Rider minus the flaming skull, but with just as much, if not more, bad acting and hair.

And things ESPLODE! IN 3D!

Goodie!

A Movie We Never Asked For: A Remake of 'Death At A Funeral'

Three short years ago a movie came out. It was called 'Death at a Funeral'. It was British. It was about a group of people in a family that come together for a funeral. Several things occur, such as the funeral parlor bringing the wrong body, the discovery the dad was gay and was with his long-time partner who also happens to be a midget, one of the family members with some anxiety issues accidentally being fed some mind-altering drugs instead of Valium...the list of things goes on and on. It's very funny, it has a great cast including Peter Dinklage, Alan Tudyk and Matthew MacFayden. It's got the funny British comedy and charm and Alan Tudyk 100% steals the movie. Here is the trailer:



Now...someone thought it was not only required to remake this movie, but make it in the style of a stupid Martin Lawrence/Tracy Morgan/Chris Rock vehicle wherein the above mentioned names play themselves. Oh and instead of Alan Tudyk we are given James Marsden as the unwilling drug-taker who stumbles around like a madman. The problem with this is that Marsden, while pretty to look at and an alright actor, is not Alan Tudyk. He isn't funny like Tudyk. He isn't charming like Tudyk. For God's sake, he isn't Tudyk. Also, I suspect he shall just be the "look at that stupid funny white boy" character. I also assume his wife/girlfriend will have to constantly defend why she's with this crazy white boy. Oh Dinklage, for some reason, is the only one in both movies, playing the same character. Here are the stupid things that go down in the "remake": The wrong body brought to the funeral is a Chinese man. Not funny, considering the original was a body that COULD have belonged to the family. This version it's just stupid. One woman gets smacked in the face by the mother. There are comments about a date being real young but her ass being in grad school...yes, that happens. There are some midget jokes too. Hahahaha...so unfunny all around. Yeah. Here is the retched trailer.



Terrible.



Considering the original is only three years old, I don't really know why it would be required to make a new one at all, let alone a version so markedly different, so obviously trying to be original and "fresh" while just seeming completely unnecessary.

'Frozen' trailer

Ok, before I even watch this trailer, it sounds a lot like 'Open Water' only on the ski lifts.

Here's a rundown pre-trailer watching. Three snowboarders get left on the ski lift and the ski patrol turns off the lights and lift until the following weekend. They start getting hypothermia and I start getting angry over the fact that there is NO WAY a ski resort would leave passengers stranded on the ski lifts. Even if they are closed until the next weekend, they would have security or something on the resort so that people don't come and ride down the mountains while they are closed.

Let's see if I start getting angry while I watch the trailer:


- "14 Miles up...dangling from a lift...no one can hear you freeze"

- I bet at the end they unstrap their coats and plummet into the waiting mouths of the sharks below.

- Actual words on the screen: "Will do for skiing what JAWS did for swimming". Oh dear God!

-Why the fuck would wolves be running around under them? That would seem like a little bit of a tough meal to wait for. I mean, they'd be better off going and finding a deer, or something over three moronic humans on a ski lift dangling from the line.

- Oh sweet merciful crap! Here are the last things that flash by: At least one person getting nom-nom'd on by at least one wolf. One of them (probably the nom-nom one) jumping from the lift. First legs out, then legs straight down until a sickening celery-stalk crunch rings out no doubt. And the girl one getting her bare hand frozen to the ski lift.

This is probably going to be one of the dumbest movies of 2010. And that tagline I made up better not get stolen by the studio. I'm copywriting that bitch!

'Stan Helsing' "movie"

If you watch this trailer and do anything akin to laughing, I might have to track you down and kick you in the coccyx, seriously. If possible, this "spoof" has become the dumbest piece of shit to grace a DVD. It's kind of like when that one stupid "spoof" made fun of Paris Hilton being a dumb, slutty moron; it's not funny when we all know it's true. It's not clever or ironic...or funny. Look! Pinhead has giant pins sticking out of his head, just like regular Pinhead...but they're BIGGER! Now let's laugh? Freddy Krueger has a Hamburger Helper hand that he slaps people, all standing in a row, with! And he says "bitchslap", SO 1996 and relevant. Oh my god, oh my god, let's take Van Helsing and make it Stan Helsing! It's genius (no, it isn't!).

Why? Why would someone finance this? Seriously? Someone pitched this idea to someone and that someone gave the other someone MONEY to make this...thing.



Thanks IWatchStuff ?

Dirty Dancing 'remake'...yes, you read that!

Seriously...stop it now! Just stop it!

Now Lionsgate thinks it's time to remake another 80's classic: Dirty Dancing. That's right!

I don't understand why this is happening. There has to be a huge stack of original ideas hanging out somewhere. I know that they think if they gather up all the old movies that made money or that people remember and remake them, people will pay. Sadly, people WILL pay to go see them. Those people are called 15-20 year old girls. They should be stopped.

I'm sure the remake will be "updated" and no longer take place at a summer camp. It will also include 90% Twilight and Disney cast members.

This is a bad idea.

Stop.it!

I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here...yeesh

What is this? Why would anyone watch this? I tried to find one of the stupid TV spots that keep playing on TV...but alas, everyone must have realized it was more important to put videos of paint drying instead. They were right to do that.

I don't understand why a network would spend money on a show like this. It's a line-up that includes random nobody's that may or may not have made some money from: being a dumb blonde with fake boobs "married" to Harry and the Hendersons, being a laughing-stock on American Idol, being a Baldwin (not Alec), being totally made of plastic and continuously touting yourself as "The World's First Supermodel" even though that ship sailed LONG ago, and then there are two more who I don't even know (or care) who they are.

The show says it plops "pampered" celebrities in the middle of the jungle and then viewers decide what punishment they get. Like the most recent ad I saw showed "Susie American" voting Sanjaya to get "the bees" and then he got bees!. Except somehow you know they stayed in 5-star hotels/resorts and had camera crews follow them around. If this lot had been dumped into a real jungle their time would have, mercifully, been short. Instead we get to have these commercials played over and over throughout the summer while, for some reason, ratings go through the roof further establishing the desire of network executives to poop on our television viewing choices.

The "Effect" That Makes a Big-Budget Movie Become Terrible

You ever go to see a movie and think, "This is going to be great!" and then after it begins you start to realize they have decided to not only use an effect that ruins every movie, but also use it every time there is a special effect? Me too. It makes me so mad, and there are some directors that utilize this in every movie so much so that I don't even want to go to their movies now.

You may be asking yourself, what is this effect and why don't I know about it already? Well...I'm going to tell you. I'm going to explain it to you, in detail, in just a second. And I am not kidding, this effect turns me off faster than the possibility of accidentally watching The Hills. The effect is this: The computer animated person. Not motion capture, though that can be creepy and weird too (lifeless eyes, anyone?), but a computer animated person that looks almost corny and so, so fake. I've noticed in my research over movies containing this suck that almost all of them came out in 2003. It's like someone got a new toy and everyone thought, "Let's play with it and see how it can ruin our movie". Let me explain/point out examples.

Spider-Man
I'm not a huge fan of Spiderman and I can't lie and say I like Tobey Maguire, I can't stand him. That stupid look he puts on his face; in fact I never watched more than five minutes of the last Spider-Man because of that dumb look on his face while riding that bike. But enough about Tobey...let's cover the bad CG. Here is a hint at what I hate in this movie:

This isn't a real trailer, but it does encompass a large amount of the suck this movie contains with the animated, flying Spider-Man. I've heard people say, "But, he's supposed to look like he would in the comic book!" Uh! No...why would you want the character set in the real world to look cheesy, half-completed and layered over the background when flying around through the city? Even if that was the real reason, it's almost like they were running low on budget and instead of getting someone who could make a fake person look real, they went with, "Just draw him and make it kind of look real...but not all the way. People are too dumb to notice". We aren't too dumb to notice. I noticed and it's one reason I won't finish this movie and can't bear to watch the other two...plus, Tobey Maguire.

Matrix: Reloaded
I'm pretty sure this little effect was used in some manner in all of the Matrix movies, but for some reason I just find this scene particularly annoying. During that unforgettable scene where Neo and Agent Smith fight the movie uses excellent motion capture and wire work to show he's in a program...and then at 4:15 it all starts to fall apart. Did you see that little Agent Smith fly off to the left. See how terrible that was? Interspersing it within better shots and stunt-work does not make it flow smoothly. It's very obvious. And it starts to reach it's climax of suck right around 6:08. Neo jumps up and twirls around and starts smacking the animated shit out of the little Smiths. This is why it doesn't work: Because it's too fluid, something is slightly off about the movements and the sounds of the bar smacking the Smiths isn't right. I know he was using his hands and feet before, but they had some heft. This sounds is like a thud and a *tink*. The image of the little Smiths flying around in animated fashion ruins the entire scene and makes me lose interest in the rest of the movie(s).

There are plenty of other instances of this in the rest of the movie...

The Day After Tomorrow
Probably, hands-down, the worst of the movies that use this effect, The Day After Tomorrow is typical Roland Emmerich crap (I know I said this effect was used on people, but this is a special case of suck). I can't say it's even fluff, because it is boring, tedious and you get so annoyed at this one particular scene (among many):
I can't find a clip of it's awfulness, so let me describe how horrible it is. At one point some kind of ship sails into Manhattan and for some unknown reason Jake Gyllenhaal goes on board (I know there was a reason, but by this point I was "Oh come on"-ing too much to care). When he's on board some terribly animated wolves (one wolf, two? I don't remember) go after him, and ONLY him on the ship. They don't try to get into the library where the rest of the people are and they didn't leave when the rest of the animals did...I don't know why. If it's so cold, they would not stick around when everything else is fleeing south.
The wolves are so badly created that it does in this movie, completely turn me off, causing me to say this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
It pains me to claim that I don't like this movie. I am a huge Terminator fan and was really happy that there was a new movie. Unfortunately they decided to copy the first two movies and end this movie completely against what we have been told from the get go: that there is not future but the one you make. In this movie we threw that out the window and were told: oop! no matter what you do, it doesn't matter, Judgement Day will happen anyway.
So here it is:

The terror all starts at 0:57 when Arnie starts throwing T-X into the bathroom walls. Now...why would you use this effect here? You just used real people to be smashed through walls, into floors, etc. Why would you intersperse this scene in this manner? Why? The movie wasn't that great all around, but this sullied it completely. USE REAL PEOPLE!!!! Or, better CGI.

Hulk
Both Hulk movies use this annoying trick of the computer. But the Eric Bana version takes the cake in awful. I like Eric Bana and Ang Lee and I am glad that this shit-storm of crap didn't destroy their careers...although it almost did.

This is a nice blend of crap CGI from both Hulk movies. I get it's hard to make a real person smash crap like the Hulk does, but I've seen this done better, and this isn't better. It's terrible.

I understand that there is a lot to making a movie and sometimes the CGI/SFX budget might not be the top priority, though it should be in movies like Hulk, where the SFX contains a great deal of the movie. It makes no sense to take parts of a scene and make them look so fake, especially as in T3 and Matrix where there is a good amount of realistic looking shots using real people. So all I ask is that you please, movie studios, STOP using this effect. It ruins the movie, it takes the audience member completely out of the movie, out of the suspension of disbelief because it looks SO fake. And after all, that is why people go to the movies, to escape and live in an alternate world.

What the hell is this?

Okay, I'm ONLY posting this because sometimes we all need a laugh. Seriously...listen to Skynet sing away for this girl. By Skynet, I of course mean a vocoder. My question is this: Why do these people keep getting record contracts when they can't sing without the usage of a machine to make them, sometimes, sound good but usually sound like shit? This sounds like shit. I get Styx using it in Mr.Roboto and Aerosmith using it...they don't suck.

And...here are some other things to ponder: Why are her boobs motionless and so far apart when she's standing up? Why does it look like she is wearing one of those Halloween fake-boob breastplates? I know they are fake, but why would you spend that much money on tatas that are roughly a mile apart and do not move? I don't get it!

Here's the laughter-inducer:

G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra French trailer

Coming soon to your SyFy Satur...oh, wait...it's NOT a SyFy Channel Original Movie? It's a bloated, expensive piece of crap coming out in actual theatres? Oh...

The French subtitles aren't the bad part...the movie is the bad part. It looks bad, really bad. 1:53 is the start of a particularly bad part.