A Movie We Never Asked For: A Remake of 'Death At A Funeral'

Three short years ago a movie came out. It was called 'Death at a Funeral'. It was British. It was about a group of people in a family that come together for a funeral. Several things occur, such as the funeral parlor bringing the wrong body, the discovery the dad was gay and was with his long-time partner who also happens to be a midget, one of the family members with some anxiety issues accidentally being fed some mind-altering drugs instead of Valium...the list of things goes on and on. It's very funny, it has a great cast including Peter Dinklage, Alan Tudyk and Matthew MacFayden. It's got the funny British comedy and charm and Alan Tudyk 100% steals the movie. Here is the trailer:



Now...someone thought it was not only required to remake this movie, but make it in the style of a stupid Martin Lawrence/Tracy Morgan/Chris Rock vehicle wherein the above mentioned names play themselves. Oh and instead of Alan Tudyk we are given James Marsden as the unwilling drug-taker who stumbles around like a madman. The problem with this is that Marsden, while pretty to look at and an alright actor, is not Alan Tudyk. He isn't funny like Tudyk. He isn't charming like Tudyk. For God's sake, he isn't Tudyk. Also, I suspect he shall just be the "look at that stupid funny white boy" character. I also assume his wife/girlfriend will have to constantly defend why she's with this crazy white boy. Oh Dinklage, for some reason, is the only one in both movies, playing the same character. Here are the stupid things that go down in the "remake": The wrong body brought to the funeral is a Chinese man. Not funny, considering the original was a body that COULD have belonged to the family. This version it's just stupid. One woman gets smacked in the face by the mother. There are comments about a date being real young but her ass being in grad school...yes, that happens. There are some midget jokes too. Hahahaha...so unfunny all around. Yeah. Here is the retched trailer.



Terrible.



Considering the original is only three years old, I don't really know why it would be required to make a new one at all, let alone a version so markedly different, so obviously trying to be original and "fresh" while just seeming completely unnecessary.

NOOOOOO STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!

Now we get an American remake for 'El Orfanato'. Why? Because no studio has original ideas and the original ideas out there are not accepted by studios. So, instead, we get this. An English, American version of 'El Orfanato'.

In case you've never seen the original movie, I highly recommend it. It's creepy, scary, sad and wonderful and definitely NOT needed as a remake. Really if you can manage to bring yourself to read the subtitles, you'll be happy. It's not that hard. Or learn Spanish, either/or.

I've said this before regarding American remakes, there is nothing wrong with the originals. Remaking them is like saying the originals aren't good enough, or that because they are foreign they need to be made "right". This may be a wrong thought, but to me this is what it sounds like. I wonder if it's the thought that foreigners think when they read Americans are remaking their already great movies? Another reason they aren't needed is that in some cases, like 'Den Osynlige' ('The Invisible'), they remake them pretty much like the original and yet, somehow, manage to make them blah...And they change the ending to make it "happy". The whole damn movie is depressing, yet, let's make it a heart-felt, "American" ending.

Cast of 'Predator' remake, say it ain't so...

I'm sorry...but Adrian Brody and Topher Grace in the unnecessary and un-asked for "remake" of Predator? This is seriously a joke right? It can't be true.

How can you go from these guys:


Yeah...Arnold, Jesse Ventura, Carl Weathers, Sonny Landham, super-huge biceps and chew and swearing; guys you believe could at least stand a chance against a monster/alien in a freakin' jungle.

To these twirpy boys? If these burly dudes don't make it out and the "jungle comes alive and takes them", what the hell chance do these two skinny fucks have?


I mean, I like Topher Grace and all, and I know "acting" wasn't a requirement for 'Predator' the first and second go-rounds (I don't count the other 45 rehashings because they are, well, stupid), so since he isn't really a good actor that isn't the problem. The problem is that you are casting two guys whose weight and body mass COMBINED doesn't equal the heft of one eyelash of ANY of the original cast.

On the other hand, I have NO idea what the plot is and it will no doubt involve one or both of these guys playing "scientists" &/or "government liasons" who get sucked into a terrible situation dealing with a government secret &/or genetic mutations...that is just a given because I can't seriously be expected to believe either of these dudes could be paramilitary/mercenaries/guys who could hold their own without pomade and a chauffeured limosine and a latte.

And one of my favorite things about 'Predator' is the gah-donk-a-donk-a-donk-a music that I can't find (Hey, there is a used copy of Alan Silvestri's soundtrack on Amazon for $188.00!) a sample of; it's when they are trouncing around the jungle and the 'Predator' is tracking them. Watch it, you'll know it!

'Nightmare on Elm Street' Remake

As much as I really don't think it's necessary for remaking every single movie from the 80's that I grew up with, this doesn't look that bad.

I said it doesn't LOOK that bad, I didn't say it wouldn't BE bad. Chances are it will be awful; I did watch that Jason remake, and while it wasn't terrible it was by no means good. It did have a Padalecki in it and I like that.

This remake has a Jackie Earle Haley and a John Connor. I don't know what it is about Thomas Dekker (besides his name reminding me of Rick Deckard [Blade Runner]). I mean in person he seems really odd and weird but I just think he is mesmerizing on screen. Anyway...he's in it too.

One thing I don't understand about all of these remakes is why do they think people need to know the origin stories? Can't we just be like...oh he's a nutcase who kills people for revenge (which seems to be the case usually). Like Jason, I don't care WHY he does what he does. That's like remaking Alien (please don't) and giving us an origin story as to why the aliens hate humans and want to kill them (in the case of aliens, though I would imagine the above taking place in a remake, I think the aliens more or less just kill whatever is food...no need to EVER make an origin story out of Alien).

Trailer!

Dirty Dancing 'remake'...yes, you read that!

Seriously...stop it now! Just stop it!

Now Lionsgate thinks it's time to remake another 80's classic: Dirty Dancing. That's right!

I don't understand why this is happening. There has to be a huge stack of original ideas hanging out somewhere. I know that they think if they gather up all the old movies that made money or that people remember and remake them, people will pay. Sadly, people WILL pay to go see them. Those people are called 15-20 year old girls. They should be stopped.

I'm sure the remake will be "updated" and no longer take place at a summer camp. It will also include 90% Twilight and Disney cast members.

This is a bad idea.

Stop.it!

'El Orfanato' (The Orphanage) being remade??

Reports are that the fantastic Spanish film is going to be remade (of course) for us Americans who are unable to read English subtitles while still being able to watch the action onscreen. At least I assume this is the reason, why else would you need to remake a movie from 2007? And a nearly perfect, suspenseful movie at that!

But...this might not be all that bad, oh no. You see, Guillermo del Toro himself has chosen Larry Fessenden to write and direct and we all love del Toro, so it might not be ALL bad. But really, is it needed? No. It's not needed as much as a remake of 'Låt den rätte komma in' isn't needed, which is not at all.*

*I know, I know. The remake of 'Let the Right One In' (now called 'Let Me In') isn't a remake, it's supposed to be more like the book. But it seems to be leaning towards making Eli look less androgynous and more obviously female/cutesy. Lina Leandersson nailed the role in the original and was able to meld those two sides of the character brilliantly and the last photos of the three girls possibly to play Eli in the remake fit that "cutesy girl" look. I hope I am wrong. Plus, it's a giant slap in the face to Swedish cinema to make a movie they already made brilliantly a year ago, over again with a new name. Just watch the original!


[I Watch Stuff]