Tuesday, December 28, 2010

'Splice' Review *SPOILERS*

It's been quite awhile since I've written a review and/or bitched about a movie, so here it is. I'm going full-throttle on 'Splice'.

I watched this movie last night after having it for several weeks, I kind of wish I had just sent it back without watching it. At first I thought most of it was good, just the end really got the bad looks. But as I thought of it more and more I began to realize that I thought it kind of, how do I say, sucks.

Let me spell out the basics of the movie first.
Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley play two scientists (hip and young, of course) who have created these two creatures they name Fred and Ginger. Fred and Ginger were created to find cures for, I think, every disease blah, blah, blah. Of course they "imprint" each other and so make the magic cure, or something. They are all excited to continue on to make some kind of wonderful human-hybrid, but the drug corporation they work for wants to start stage two and move on to synthesize the proteins the creatures make for profit. So these two idiots decide to secretly create their own hybrid creature just to see if they can.

Of course, this being the plot of the movie, they see that they can indeed not only create the lifeform, but also bring it to term. They tuck it into, what I suppose is a secret room, yet it's right next to where the rest of the scientists are working, so it couldn't be that secret. After being born and then growing rapidly, Polley's character Elsa, convinces Brody's character Clive, to let the creatures life go on naturally since it's aging so quickly it'll die soon anyway; so he agrees. But soon things get a little out of hand and they have to move her to Elsa's mother's farm. Oh yeah...Elsa never wanted a real child because her mother was abusive to her and she didn't want to do the same to a child, or something along those lines. So, after all this neglect over their other, paying, project the original creatures attack each other at the shareholder's meeting, killing each other; the female one turned male.

Blah, blah, blah...the company gets real strict with the scientists and Dren (the creature's name. NERD spelled backwards, NERD being the company they work for) undergoes a series of events which show how Elsa does indeed have the same qualities as her mother, which culminates when she first takes a cat away from Dren, only to give it back and have Dren kill it before attacking her after Elsa slaps Dren. Fearing she'll attempt another attack, Elsa knocks Dren out and removes her stinger. Dren also develops wings at some point. This all sort of makes sense in the long-run, though stupidly.

Elsa uses the stinger tissue to generate samples to synthesize the proteins and saves the company. YAY! I'm not entirely sure, but just before the story goes off rail Elsa and Clive head back to the farm to get Dren and I'm thinking they were going to present her to the company or something so she can actually get out of the barn, or they were going to kill her; not sure. Anyway, when they get back to the barn she appears to be dead/dying in the water tank (yeah, she can breathe under water) and shortly she dies. This is where the movie should have ended...with Elsa and Clive burying her and that's it. But, you see...it isn't where the movie ends. I think the third screenwriter, the 'AND' screenwriter, had their hand in what comes next. What comes next is clearly included to make many, many sequels a-la Species. Clive and Elsa bury Dren and as they are walking back up front, a car drives up. It's Clive's brother and the company annoying-man. He demands to know where the creature is and as he demands something sweeps in and steals him away. Then it steals away Clive's brother and eventually Clive. But there is more! It then proceeds to rape Elsa (yeah, much like the other creatures, the female has turned male) thereby setting up the land of sequels before getting stabbed by Clive. Oh, there's more! Clive gets stabbed by Dren's stinger before Elsa smashes its head in with a rock.

So we end the story with her in the drug company's office getting a money offer and sympathetic, "No one would blame you for not going through with it", speech before she stands up and we see her pregnant and uttering the line, "What's the worst that could happen." I think she said that, it was uttered like 80 gazillion times in the movie. And that is what just made this movie tank in my eyes.

Before that, I actually was at least enjoying it. I thought Sarah Polley did a good job showing Elsa's issues with wanting a child but being afraid and then essentially treating Dren, her pseudo-child, exactly like she was afraid she would. I thought Dren was well-acted by Delphine Chaneac, she captured the child-like wonder and sadness that an abused and forgotten human child would show; the anger and frustration of not being able to leave the home. I thought Adrien Brody played idiot guy well enough. His hesitation at going along with Elsa time and again, his hesitation at Dren's advances...all of it worked. But what stopped it from working was when they took a story that should have ended, a commentary on science and morality in the common era, and took it down the road of stupid, shlock horror movie in order to set it up for sequels. That is when I checked out.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

'Fast Five' (God, I wish I was kidding) trailer

Yes...another Fast and Furious movie. Why? I don't know. But, here's an awesome quote from this gem of a movie, "And above all else, never...ever... let them get in cars." This fine quote is followed by various shots of cars revving engines, girls in short skirts walking slowly and Paul Walker and Vin Diesel in a car ("Let's go surfing...dude!). Then the lines get even more stupid, "This just went from mission impossible to mission in-freakin'-sanity." Yes, that was an actual line uttered in this trailer.

Then it just gets more ridiculous with shots of trains smashing into trains and then people jumping off the train onto speeding sportscars in the desert. Oh, always remember that if jumping off the roof of a building, flailing wildly and then crashing into a tin-roof and falling more...you'll be fine. It happened in a Fast Furious Four Five Fun movie. Alsom this model is fully loaded! Ugh!

Oh, dear GOD...it gets worse! They actually take two sportscars, yank out a safe from a bank and drag it through the streets as it slides around and smashes into things. Please, Mythbusters, please do an episode on how stupid this is!

'Your Highness' Trailer

Admittedly when I first saw this on Trailer Addicts site I thought, "come on", then I realized that it had this cast and was also the movie that had Natalie Portman in a thong. Not a draw for me, but because it was plastered all over the internets a few weeks ago, it's nice to see which movie I can expect to see her almost-naked ass in.

This actually looks pretty funny. A classic "find-the-stolen-princess" movie, but still...it looks funny.

'Hanna' Trailer

I've got to say, this looks pretty intriguing. It has a great cast and you can't go wrong with slapping a favorite in to do the soundtrack (Chemical Brothers).

Saorise Ronan plays a young girl who apparently lives in the woods with Eric Bana (not a bad deal for me, really) and there is some kind of switch which will bring Cate Blanchett and the authoratah their way if it's turned on. So, of course, she switches it on and the authoratah fly on down. Bana gets away but leaves the daughter behind looking scared and frightened. But, she apparently isn't scared and frightened and instead kills someone posing as Blanchett's character before escaping and causing a man-hunt.

Looks like she's some kind of mutant, or genetic freak, or what will most likely become a SyFy Channel movie if this one does well.

I would like to see this movie unless they release another trailer that makes it look shitty.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

'The Wicker Man is Gone in 60 Ghost Riders'...

AKA: Drive Angry.

As if I need to say anything more that what I typed above...Here is the description Apple provides for this "movie":

'In the newest 3D action-adventure from the director of MY BLOODY VALENTINE, DRIVE ANGRY stars Nicolas Cage as Milton, a hardened felon who has broken out of hell for one last chance at redemption. Intent on stopping a vicious cult who murdered his daughter, he has three days to stop them before they sacrifice her baby beneath a full moon. He's joined by Piper (Amber Heard) - a young, sexy waitress who liberates her ex-boyfriend's cherry-red muscle car in order to help Milton. Now, the two of them are hot on the trail of the deadly leader of the cult, Jonah King (Billy Burke), who believes it is his destiny to use the baby to unleash hell on earth. But the bloodthirsty cult is the least of Milton's problems. The police are after him too. And worse, an enigmatic killer known only as "The Accountant" - who has been sent by the Devil to retrieve Milton and deliver him back to hell. With wicked cunning and hypnotic savagery, the Accountant will relentlessly pursue Milton at high speed across the country until his mission is accomplished. Fueled by high octane and pure rage, Milton must use his anger to go beyond all human limits to avenge his daughter's murder, before his last chance at redemption is revoked.'

If you STILL need some kind of proof that this is a stupid waste of what I would have once called Celluloid, but now deem pixels, here's the trailer where we see Wickerman/Ghost Rider combine with Gone in 60 Seconds to make this...thing.

'The Pajama Game'

I have Netflix and I love it. I've also been telling my mother that I would put a few Doris Day movies in my queue so she could watch some that are hard to find, or those which she just doesn't want to go and buy at this time. There are a few in the instant play section and the first one I saw was 'The Pajama Game' so I decided that, since I had nothing to do tonight, I would go ahead and watch it with her.

I trucked my XBOX on down, hooked it up, downloaded the 300 updates that have been released in the 6 months since I actually turned the damn thing on, and fired up the movie. Why, oh why, did I pick this movie to play? See, here's the thing about these movies: they are either really good or really bad. Even if they have a large amount of cheese, they can still be considered good if you get a laugh or two (at or with the film, it doesn't really matter sometimes). When they go rotten, they go rotten bad. This damn movie made NO freakin' sense.

It opens in a pajama factory and immediately the characters start dancing and singing before we are sort-of introduced to the leads (Day and some guy who resembles Cole Hauser). I shit you not, they almost instantly start singing about how in love with the other they are. I mean, 5 minutes in and they are almost walking down the aisle (My Dad, who decided to watch this movie with us, pointed out that they need to keep the train moving).

After what seemed like 90 minutes of singing, dancing and bad acting but was really just about 20 minutes of singing, dancing and bad acting, they fight because the workers are striking over a pay raise and Day breaks the line and gets fired by the dude-who-looks-like-Cole-Hauser, also her boyfriend, before more singing and dancing ensues which leads to Hauser-dude finding out the amount the workers want in a raise was added at some point in the books and they give them the raise they all want which leads to singing and dancing. The End.

There are some good songs that came out of this movie, like Hernando's Hideaway, but the majority of this movie is pretty much captured by the seemingly random babbling I typed above. Seriously.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

'Hard Rain' Trailer

My friend moved down to Austin and mentioned that it was raining a lot today, so I told him he should have a jet ski and if it comes to it, he can recreate this movie...

It's an oldie...but an oldie. I can't say goody, because let's be honest, if you've watched the movie or the trailer, you know what it is. Mostly nostalgic, humorous crap.

Sadly, I saw this in 1998 at the theatre. Best part? Jet ski chase through the elementary school. Honestly, the movie is about a town being flooded because, I suppose, a hard rain is a fallin'. Then two armored car guys get stuck and Morgan Freeman and his thugs, who want to rob the bank, or something, rob them too. Yet, Mr. Slater (not A.C.) has hidden the money and then becomes the prime suspect. Also, Randy Quaid is the sheriff (I'm the WHAT?). There's also a chase on jet skis. I couldn't find a clip of the ridiculous chase on aforementioned jet skis, but here is the trailer!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

'My Soul to Take' Trailer

Hmmm...it's almost, just almost, as if Wes Craven recently watched 'Scream', remembered it made a lot of money, watched some of his other movies, realized people also watched them, and then thought, "Let me mash them all together into one, giant, shitty piece of shit...and MAKE IT 3D!" Because that is what this movie looks and sounds like.

Pay no attention to the fact that the kid they show getting killed in the beginning is shown moments later when the group of idiot teenagers are standing in the woods, even though they insinuate that the kid died 100 years ago, or whatever the story is...I don't care.

Basically, they tell the whole story, little Jimmy has dreams, or something, of someone getting killed and then those people seem to have been killed. A bunch of idiots go into the woods on the very night Hobo John disappeared or something and they all start dying. But Hobo John might just might be the daddy of little Jimmy. Or little Jimmy might be the killer. Most likely, it's either his mother (SO original) or little Jimmy's sister, angry that Hobo John/Daddy never loved her.

That about sounds right. And IT'S IN 3D!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

'Vanishing on 7th Street" trailer

This was filmed in and around the Metro Detroit area, and sounds a lot like Pitch Black on Earth. Not that that means it will be bad, I really like Pitch Black.

The premise sounds like many, a man wakes up one morning to find everyone gone, their clothes, cars, planes scattered around where they stood, parked where they rolled and crashing from the sky. He finds a group of people in a bar and they all seem to realize that what's keeping them alive is the light. It's only 11am and it's pitch black outside. Where did the sun/day go? It appears there is "something" in the darkness and shadows. It kind of looks creepy, but chances are it'll end up like "Gothika"; a giant steaming pile of shit.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

'Valhalla Rising' Trailer and clips

Now this movie looks just beautiful! The production and cinematography is stunning.

Mads Mikkelsen plays One Eye, a warrior-slave with some kind of supernatural strength/power who gets the leg up on his captors, escapes and goes on a journey with his young boy companion. He meets up with some Vikings and joins them. That's about all I understand of this movie and I don't care because it looks beautiful. Also, I'm unsure why they all have Scottish accents, including the Vikings, but we'll let that slide.

Here are some trailers and clips:

-Ignore the English subtitles over the film where they are speaking English.

'Let Me In' Red Band Trailer

I've been bitching about this remake (that no one asked for or needed) since I first heard about it. It's stupid and this trailer doesn't convince me otherwise.

'Let Me In' is a remake of the Swedish film/book Låt den rätte komma in. A book and film, that while different in some places, are perfect as they are. It got some attention as being great and some shithead thought, "Let's buy the rights and remake it!" So they did.

The rough story is that Oskar is a loner who constantly gets picked on at school. Then a little girl/boy (it's really difficult to tell in the original whether the little girl playing Eli is a girl or boy) named Eli moves in next door and they become friends. Unfortunately, people have been going missing or show up murdered and the attention of the authorities is getting closer and closer to the apartment building where Oskar and Eli live. It's tense, dark, scary. Everything that the remake appears to lack. Much like Den Osynlige, which changed the ending to a much happier ending.

Chloe Moretz, while awesome as Hit Girl and everything, does not in any way, shape or form look androgynous. She looks like a little girl. Lina Leandersson looked androgynous and I really spent most of the movie, before looking her up on imdb, wondering if it was a girl or boy playing Eli. She also looked like she smelled as bad as Oskar described her as smelling. Moretz looks like a girl, sounds like a girl, and based on what I've seen of the remake, looks like she smells like roses and cookies not death and blood. As far as Oskar/Owen go, I think Kodi Smit-Mcphee has that "loner, loser, weak-kid" look that Oskar had, so that might work.

They even changed the location to New Mexico. Why? Why change it from a cold, desolate town? You could have placed it in Maine, or North Dakota or freakin' Canada! But, New Mexico? Their names have been changed as well. Now they are Owen and Abby. Yeah...Abby. There's a real question as to the gender there.

Since I still have not seen a remake of a foreign movie that was as good, or better, than the original and I don't think this is going to be the one to do that either. Let us look at the "gem" that is the remake and the GEM that is the original:

There are several clips on Traileraddict.com and you can also watch the movie on Netflix. It's slow and not like American horror movies, but it's great.

'Sucker Punch' Trailer

I don't really know what the hell this is about. Well, I do now because I read the description, but still.

Apparently set in the 1950's, the story is about some girl who is sent to a insane asylum and created this alternate reality where she plans to escape by stealing 5 objects. It sort of looks like 'Shutter Island meets Mortal Kombat'...or something.

It's a strange mash-up that could be good or bad. I don't know how to feel about it at this moment.

'Don't Be Afraid of the Dark' Teaser

I wasn't sure about this at first because it's a black screen with a hissy voice talking about the dark and then a whole bunch of images of a mansion and people screaming, etc. When I saw Guillermo del Toro's name, however, I immediately perked up. I also perked up during the next scene when the little girl is crawling under the sheets, knowing what would be coming, and yet I still jumped when the thing jumped at her.

Also, Guy Pearce is in it.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

'Drive Angry' IN 3D! trailer

Oh look! ANOTHER 3D movie. This one has Nicolas Cage playing Ghost Rider minus the flaming skull, but with just as much, if not more, bad acting and hair.

And things ESPLODE! IN 3D!


'Priest' Trailer

I am sick of everything being 3D. Sick.of.it!

That being said, this movie seems like it will either be good or very, very bad. If judged on the SFX alone, I'm going for very, very bad. I mean, what the hell kind of "vampires" are those? They look like some kind of leech mixed with a piranha twisted with a slug. I know we've pretty much exhausted the "vampire" genre and the various ways they can look, but come on!

On the maybe-good side, the story might be interesting. Paul Bettany plays a priest in a world that looks like a mish-mash of medieval Europe and the future. I think he also hunts those leech/piranha/slug/vampire things above. That's pretty much all I get from the trailer because it wasn't that good.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

'Inception' Trailer

I just saw this trailer today. I love everything about it. Not only is it directed and written by Christopher Nolan, who made the phenomenal movie 'Memento' (yes, and The Dark Knight), but it has a great cast.

You've got DiCaprio, Marion Cotillard, Ken Watanabe, Cilliam Murphy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tom Hardy. The story is awesome too.

I'm not entirely sure, but it sounds like DiCaprio plays a man who breaks into peoples dreams and steals their secrets. It sounds like there might be a corporation he works for and Gordon-Levitt is a dude who might be a bad apple. And DiCaprio sounds like he wants to get out of the business and find his way home to his lady. Whether this is a dream or not...who knows. I just know that it sounds awesome!

Monday, May 31, 2010

'Super 8' Trailer

I like J.J. Abrams. I do not like aliens. I am guessing the 'IT' they are referring to may be an alien.

I still can not watch 'Communion' or 'Fire In the Sky'. I've been scarred for life and I wish I was kidding.

Still, since it's J.J. I bet it's going to be good and will have some great viral advertising and ARG.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

'Tron Legacy' Trailer

Alright, I will be the first to admit that when I heard they were making a sequel to Tron I scoffed. I scoffed with the best of them. And I kept scoffing.

I stopped scoffing when I saw this trailer because it looks pretty sweet. I like the look of the regular world, all muted and heavily contrasty. And then in the Tron world it's all blacks and bright colors and neon. I also like Garrett Hedlund and I really love his voice. He's got a Michael Wincott voice without a Michael Wincott face (that's not putting Wincott down, he isn't ugly. But he does have a kickass voice!).

I haven't seen the first Tron in a LONG time, so I should catch it again, but I have to say I am looking forward to this. Plus, you can't beat a good looking guy who wears a skin-tight spandex suit with neon lights well. And Hedlund does.

'The Last Exorcism' Trailer

At first I thought: "Oh come on! Another one!" That was followed by: "From Producer Eli Roth? Alright, so it's torture porn."

Who asked for another exorcist? The original is not scary, it's kind of funny. The 92 remakes that came out just a few years ago weren't scary...they were stupid. So why was it necessary to make another Exorcist movie?

It's good to know that they are clearly trying to cash in on some of the [REC] goodness with their shitty horror movie.

[REC] 2 Trailer

I thought this was going to be for the shitty American remake sequel, but it's for the Spanish one, so I calmed down.

It takes place 15 minutes after the ending of the first movie and follows the other side of the plastic sheet draped over the building. The first movie (the original...NOT the one where Jennifer Carpenter huffed and puffed throughout the whole movie) was incredibly good and scary. I don't know if it a sequel is warranted but I'll take it. It looks pretty scary.

Monday, May 17, 2010

True Blood Season 3 Clip Preview

HBO has a new trailer up with clips from season 3 which starts June 16th, I think. I can't wait! You might have to sign in/register to watch this, but if you are a True Blood fan, just do it.

Let me break down the goings-on in the preview:

- Bill appears to be stumbling out of the darkness. What are you up to, Bill?

- My sexy Swede is telling Sookeh that she is blinded by her obsession with Bill and she'll get herself killed. Oh someone comes inside what appears to be Bill's house.

- James Frain, who isn't the most pretty to look at but has a kick-ass voice, comes into Merlotte's and asks Tara for a True Blood. Then they are having sex...but this is True Blood, so not a surprise!

- A hillbilly sticks a gun in Sam's face! Hey, hillbilly? Don't mess with that mans glorious mug!

- Sam tells a lady (his mom?) that they met 34 years ago. Oh and hillbilly says: Who is he, mamma?

- There's Jessica dragging a dead body into Bill's house. Guess she killed that trucker? Then she's asking Pam what to do with a dead body if she were to have killed someone.

- The Swede's back! He looks frightened and tells Sookeh to invite him in. Werewolves are looking for Sookeh! They have red eyes...always a good sign!

- Jason is still stupid and asks Sookeh if Big Foot is real too and also Santa.

- Bill wakes up with scratches all over his face and says to someone that you can't love humans without bringing suffering upon them. Then he's with whats-her-face from last season. The crazy one that he played pianoman with. Yeah, her!

- Franklin Mott (James Frain. I looked up who he was playing. Nice casting!) licks Tara and asks to know everything about Bill and Sookeh. Of course! This show is like watching porn, only you feel dirty and also strangely satisfied at how fun it is. At least that's how I feel. Plus, the Skarsgård. But, I digress!

- Jason and Andy are still skulking around looking guilty and burning papers at the stove.

- Sookeh tells Eric that they need to go to Jackson (Mississippi, I assume), but he says he can't and she shouldn't go alone. Then Alcide (NICE casting indeed!) comes along to help her. Seriously! MUCH better choice to play him then I imagined from the description in the books. I pictured not this! YUM!

- Alcide takes Sookeh to the werebar where people grab at her and some dude asks if his pack can do nothing right! Then it cuts to some dude on a horse pointing a gun at someone, who I now see on second glance is Alcide with no shirt on (look to the lower right).

- Then a wolf growls/snarls!

- Sam tells hillbilly that he doesn't appreciate him trying to get him killed as we see DogSam run in front of a truck.

- Flash of cuts where Sookeh says they took someone from her while there are shirtless dudes howling in a bar, Sookeh running, loading of guns. There's a flaming, screaming person, people with no clothes, no clothes, FANTASTIC. Sex, moaning, sex, moaning and then more sex/moaning. YAY!

- Last, but not least, is Bill telling Sookeh not to come find him. He doesn't want to be found. She cries.

I can't wait. I live for this to fill my summer! Also, the Swede.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

True Blood Season 3 Mini-episodes

Yes, yes it is time (almost) once again for another awesome summer filled with True Blood. It's the smut/funny/over-the-top/ridiculous fun I crave and it's my summer obsession.

Here is a little mini-ep featuring Eric (Hallaloojah's) and Pam auditioning dancers for their club, Fangtasia. They all suck badly, but the last one is special. Can't wait to see where this goes. Oh and Skarsgård breaks out the sexy Swedish.

Is it June 13th yet?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

'Best Worst Movie' Trailer

In 1989 one of the worst movies ever made, was made. It was called Troll 2. Unlike Troll it did not scare the shit out of me and make me afraid that trolls were going to come into my room at night and steal me away. Instead, it made me laugh my ass off.

Now there is a documentary about the cast and the fame the movie has as the so-called worst movie ever. It's such a bad movie, it's great. Unlike, say, Dragonball-Z, or 90% of the stuff that comes out which is bad and not at all humorous.

The funny part is that it really isn't Troll 2. There are no trolls in this movie. There is no Atreyu. There are in fact goblins, which appear to just be midgets in potato sacks and sweatpants with bad papier-mâché masks. It's glorious, simply glorious.

'Ondine' Trailer

Ooh! A movie where Colin Farrell plays an Irishman. I've always been a bit of a fan of Farrell, even though he IS a bit of a man-whore in real life.

In this movie he plays an Irish fisherman who catches a woman in his net. She's not dead, but it's suggested that she may be a selkie. It's also suggested, by the appearance of a mysterious man, that she may have been running from someone. Either way, this movie looks pretty good. Beautiful scenery, good actors and what sounds like a pretty decent script and no animated/real life talking animals.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

'Män som hatar kvinnor' (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)...

AKA another awesome Swedish/foreign movie that is soon to be remade in the US in a sub par manner.

This looks awesome. Here are some trailers/spots:

Monday, April 5, 2010

'Human Centipede' Trailer

Alright...I would not recommend anyone actually viewing this trailer or movie unless you are a seriously sadistic fuck. I did because I had to bite the bullet for everyone else; you are welcome.

Seriously. Don't watch it. It takes the movie genre of 'Torture Porn' way past the point of gross and sick, but still somewhat enjoyable and goes straight to the worst sadistic shit you could imagine. It's gross.

Basically two American girls on vacation in Germany get a flat tire (they are REALLY bad actors too) and, of course, they are "horribly lost" and it's raining and they come across a house where a crazy German doctor lets them in. He then proceeds to make them into a human centipede. You don't need to know more, just assume it includes gross things that will make the audience wretch.


Mamma like! This is something I heard about awhile ago and I'm glad it looks so creepy and weird and wrong!

Basically, some scientists cloned a human with something else and since it's illegal to clone humans and this isn't technically human, it's A-OK! Unfortunately the thing is growing rapidly and appears to be killing everything. It's also some kind of weird girl-gargoyle thingy. Ick and awesome!

Here's a clip!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

A Movie We Never Asked For: A Remake of 'Death At A Funeral'

Three short years ago a movie came out. It was called 'Death at a Funeral'. It was British. It was about a group of people in a family that come together for a funeral. Several things occur, such as the funeral parlor bringing the wrong body, the discovery the dad was gay and was with his long-time partner who also happens to be a midget, one of the family members with some anxiety issues accidentally being fed some mind-altering drugs instead of Valium...the list of things goes on and on. It's very funny, it has a great cast including Peter Dinklage, Alan Tudyk and Matthew MacFayden. It's got the funny British comedy and charm and Alan Tudyk 100% steals the movie. Here is the trailer:

Now...someone thought it was not only required to remake this movie, but make it in the style of a stupid Martin Lawrence/Tracy Morgan/Chris Rock vehicle wherein the above mentioned names play themselves. Oh and instead of Alan Tudyk we are given James Marsden as the unwilling drug-taker who stumbles around like a madman. The problem with this is that Marsden, while pretty to look at and an alright actor, is not Alan Tudyk. He isn't funny like Tudyk. He isn't charming like Tudyk. For God's sake, he isn't Tudyk. Also, I suspect he shall just be the "look at that stupid funny white boy" character. I also assume his wife/girlfriend will have to constantly defend why she's with this crazy white boy. Oh Dinklage, for some reason, is the only one in both movies, playing the same character. Here are the stupid things that go down in the "remake": The wrong body brought to the funeral is a Chinese man. Not funny, considering the original was a body that COULD have belonged to the family. This version it's just stupid. One woman gets smacked in the face by the mother. There are comments about a date being real young but her ass being in grad school...yes, that happens. There are some midget jokes too. Hahahaha...so unfunny all around. Yeah. Here is the retched trailer.


Considering the original is only three years old, I don't really know why it would be required to make a new one at all, let alone a version so markedly different, so obviously trying to be original and "fresh" while just seeming completely unnecessary.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The best of the 'The 48th Annual Ann Arbor Film Fest' This Animated Life night

The other day I covered the best of the opening night. So tonight I am throwing out the best of what I watched Friday night at the animation portion called 'This Animated Life'.

Once again there were some really good movies and then there were some really bad and seriously hard to watch movies.

I saw this online awhile ago and thought it was just so creepy and weird and wonderful that when I saw it listed in the program for the festival I just HAD to go see it on the big screen. It is probably the best in terms of actually having a story and also being really professional in appearance. 'Alma' is about a little girl of the same name, who happens upon a toy store with a doll that looks just like her standing in the window. Upon closer inspection that doll moves further into the store...watch to see what happens.

'The Black Dog's Progress'
A short animated film told through multiple flip books that are both completely adorable and then, quickly, morph into incredibly disturbing. Makes you really feel for the little black dog.

'Please Say Something'
A collection of short episodes about the relationship between a cat and a mouse. The animation is really adorable, the sounds are precious and the subject matter is quite heavy at times.

'Horn Dog'
The really wrong tale of a dog that is in love with some other dog. It's very funny and, like I said, very wrong. Here is a clip since I didn't see the whole short online. Sorry.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The best of the 'The 48th Annual Ann Arbor Film Fest' opening night!

I went to the opening night festivities of the Ann Arbor Film Festival last night. I've never been there before but since I'm all into this crap now and going to school for film, I figured I should go and see if I like it (next year I may get the festival pass). I did, even though several of the films shown were what I would call...awful.

The Ann Arbor Film Fest is an experimental film fest, so it makes sense that a lot of these films were, how do I say it delicately, mind-bendingly bad. But this post is about the best films from last night, not the worst...I'll get to that in time.

'El ataque de los robots de Nebulosa-5'
An absolutely charming little film about a man who, I believe, either gets drunk at his birthday party or has a fit of some kind, and has a vision of robots from Nebulosa-5 coming to him to inform him of their impending invasion. He tries to tell his mother and cousin about it, but they don't believe him. The neighbor and his brother sometimes come and make fun of him, but still he waits in the park next to his house where the dogs shit for the invastion to come.
The film is black and white, has some good looking shots, has a very distinctive lead actor and is very unique.

'Missed Aches'
Joanna Priestly's Flash animated short about spell-check errors is so funny and fresh. I laughed so hard at this and loved the cute little characters. Wish the whole thing was online.
Here's a preview:

'Photograph of Jesus'
This is one of the best of last night because it's so funny and so imaginative. It covers some weird requests for photos from the Hulton Archive/Getty Images collection. Requests like a photo of Jack the Ripper, Jesus, a yeti, etc...you know, things that no one has photos of. The film is animated with a voice over from a man who works in the archive and it's quite entertaining.

'Fantasy Suite'
Unfortunately this isn't online, at least I can't find it. This was seriously hilarious! Kent Lambert took footage from some crappy 80's movies and The Bachelor and melded them into some kind of humorous commentary on western heterosexual romance (got that from the A2 Film Fest book, since I couldn't describe it myself). He slowed down the clips from The Bachelor, making it really funny and also, somehow, making the show interesting to watch. It was great!
Here is Kent talking about the film last night:

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

FOX's 'Past Life' dies after 3 weeks.

Yeah, FOX? I could have told you this wasn't a smart idea to buy this pilot and produce it. I knew it when I first saw the damn preview. A show about murdered souls being trapped inside the bodies of those currently alive, desperately trying to solve their murders, just sounded dumb.

It was dumb because it can't have a long run. I mean, really. Do the murdered souls just suddenly realize they are back in the bodies of the living? Why would this happen? It's like 'Cold Case' only really stupid.

Spend the money you might have saved on this show to pay for more 'Fringe' episodes. Do it now!

'Wall Street:Money Never Sleeps' Trailer

Yeah, that's the name of the sequel to Wall Street. They should call it Wall Street: Hollywood Wastes Money on a Sequel No One Asked For. But they told me that the name was too long, so they went with Money Never Sleeps.

I never saw Wall Street because I do not like Oliver Stone movies (they put me to sleepy-land) and I don't think movies about Wall Street really intrigue me. I don't see the men/women on the trading floor waving their hands around and yelling as being an enticing box office draw to me...meaning it's boring as shit. So you can guess how excited I am about a sequel where Michael Douglas' character gets out of prison and I assume does whatever the hell it was he does. Sit around and talk in voice over, I think? And carry his gold money clip, with no money in it? That sounds about right.

And thankfully they show the entire movie in the full trailer, so no need to actually WATCH the stupid movie.

'Green Zone' Trailer

What did I think when I first saw this trailer? Oh, another Bourne movie. I mean, it has Matt Damon. It has Paul Greengrass. It looks like the same movie. It MUST be a Bourne movie! But...it's not.

They seriously should have called this: The Bourne Parable: Green Zone. Because it's a damn Bourne movie!

'Terribly Happy' (Frygtelig lykkelig)

What is one thing I love in the cinematic world? If you said David Lynch, you would be correct. Any movie that gives mention to being like a Lynch movie and is in a foreign language has my attention immediately. Basically the main character, a disgraced marshal, gets sent to this creepy little town filled with some weirdos. They use the local bog to cover up their dirty little secrets and he gets tangled up with a married woman who is beaten by her husband.

The first trailer looks like someone gets killed? I really don't know. But the second trailer just makes the whole movie looks incredibly weird so I can't wait to see it.

Trailer 1:

Trailer 2:


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

'Killers' Trailer

Isn't this the same movie as that one with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz? Night and Day, I think it's called? It also looks just as awful as this one.

Katherine Heigl once again plays an incredibly unlikable character rather blandly and meets Ashton Kutcher, who I would believe as an FBI agent just about not at all, while on vacation alone...not alone, recently single...but not always single. He sweeps her off her bland feet but...ut-oh! he's got a "blank-to kill" from the blank-blank-blank. Eesh!

'Cop Out' Trailer

First, this trailer is WAYY too long. Like 4 minutes too long. Second, it sounds like shit. Real shit. Bad shit. Why the hell is Bruce Willis in this? I know why Tracy Morgan is; it's because he's Tracy Morgan and he can't do anything else but play Tracy Morgan.

And they are so original to use Black Betty in there too. Fantastically awful. Do yourself a favor and don't waste the time even watching the trailer because it's an unfunny two and a half minutes of hell.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

LOST "LA X part.1" **SPOILERS**

It's that time again...time for LOST to take up Tuesday evenings. It's the last season and will that mean we finally get to find out where/what the island is? Who/what the smoke monster is? What the hell is going on? I don't know, but there was plenty of WTF? going on this first episode of the season. It definitely is not the time to just casually sign on and watch the show. I've watched and followed the show and played the ARG's since the beginning and I was confused as shit.

-- Jack's on the plane and he's looking slightly confused. Is he confused because he was just on the island and now he's on the plane, way back at the beginning? Or because his drink isn't strong enough? Hmmm...

-- Ut-oh! The plane is starting to shake and rattle but this time...nothing happens. Bernard makes it back to the seat and doesn't get separated from Rose. Kate doesn't get away from the marshall, Charlie O.D.'s in the bathroom, etc.

-- Jack goes to the bathroom and discovers a small scratch/burn (?) on his neck. It wasn't there before. Is this from the island? Have they been transported back in time?

-- What the hell is Desmond doing on the plane? And he doesn't know Jack. So, if they went back in time and nothing on the island has happened, then shouldn't Jack at least recognize Desmond from his run-in with him that one time at the bleachers? Well, he recognizes the "Thanks, brother" part. Also, if they went back in time, wasn't Desmond already on the island? In the hatch? What the hell is going on?

-- Jack keeps staring at Des and he asks what's wrong? Jack asks if they know each other and Des says he doesn't know, but he introduces himself. Jack looks like he's confused again, but can't place why.

-- Jack looks out the window and the camera pans down to the ocean and goes under water. Oh look! It's the Darma Initiative camp...under water!


And there is our little Darma shark friend!


And the 3-toed statue/leg is underwater too!

So if Jack and the gang (Desmond included) never came to the island, the plan never landed and none of the events ever happened as we know them with these people, and the whole island is underwater, does that mean that nothing ever happened? And the island died with the Dharma Initiative? Or did the events occur with different people? Or are we still on diverging timelines?

-- Kate wakes up...in a tree! But, she's still on the island, which would obviously mean that the bomb-blast didn't work. Her hearing is all f'd up and she encounters Miles as she's wandering around the jungle. And there's a hatch. But it's the Swan hatch after Desmond blew it up. So, as Miles says, "I guess we're not in 1977". So they ended up back in the current time? Or at least after the hatch had been exploded. Jack and Sawyer are laying there in the grass too.

-- Sawyer is not real happy with Jack. The explosion was supposed to make it so none of this ever happened. But instead all it did was put them back where they started. And...back to the "Non-Plane-Crash" Timeline (NPCTL).

-- Jack goes back to the bathroom (Who is he? Me?) and runs into Kate coming out of the bathroom. They both look at each other like they sort of recognize each other, but don't really recognize each other.

-- The marshal gives Kate her meal back at their seats and Sawyer bumps into the marshal. He apologizes and he and Kate look at each other. Some dude is bothering Hurley about doing a voice from one of his Mr.Cluck's commericals...oh good, it's Arzt. So he's annoying no matter what the time line is? Awesome. Man, this guy is annoying. And now there is no chance of him blowing up via some old dynamite. Now he's asking how a guy like Hurley could become an owner of a major corporation. He says he won the lottery and that grabs the attention of Sawyer.

-- Sawyer says he shouldn't tell people he won the lottery because people will take advantage of him. Hurley says that it won't happen because nothing bad ever happens to him. So...in this time line Hurley still won the lottery but obviously the numbers didn't mean anything regarding the island and are not bad luck. He wasn't in Australia trying to discover their mystery. And he's loads more confident, at least it seems to be the case based on this smirk:

...oh Hurley, I still love you!

"Island Time Line" (ITL)

-- Sounds like Juliet is still alive. Though it shouldn't be possible because she shouldn't be at the bottom of the pile of metal in the blast whole. This blast hole was not where the atomic blast happened. But she's there, calling for help.

-- Hurley is trying to help Sayid and hears twigs cracking. Oh wonderful, it's Jacob. Yeah...the Jacob that Ben killed and Locke kicked into the fire. He needs to speak to Hurley.


-- Sun, who is with Jin and never got away from him. She's gazing longingly at Bernard and Rose. Jin asks why she's staring at them and she says they just seem so happy. His response is to tell her to button her sweater. Yeah...in this time line Jin is still an ass who can't speak English. Wonderful for Sun.

-- Locke is looking at a flight safety card when Boone tells him he's wasting his time. If the plane goes down in the ocean, they have zero chance of survival. Locke tells him that isn't true and rattles off some facts. Boone then asks why he was in Australia: Business or Pleasure? Locke says pleasure. And Boone says he went to get his sister out of a bad relationship that it turns out she didn't want out of. Locke elaborates on his trip and says he was there on a Walkabout. Turns out in this time line he went on the walkabout. Maybe he also isn't such a sad sap? Boone tells him that if the plane does go down, he's sticking with him. Nice, considering Locke got him killed in the original time line.


-- Locke picks up and cleans his knife while Ben stands staring at the fire. Locke tells Ben that he can stop staring at the fire because Jacob is gone.

Locke then tells Ben to go out and tell Richard that he wants to talk with him. Ben asks what he wants to talk to him about and Locke says it is between him and Richard.

-- Richard tells everyone that no one is going into the cave unless Jacob invites them. What's-her-face says that that is why they are hear...because Jacob invited them. Ben stumbles out and says that everything is fine but that John wants to talk to him. Richard drags Ben over to Locke's body and said that he'd be happy to talk to him but Ben needs to talk to him first. Apparently Ben didn't know that wasn't the real Locke? He really looks surprised.

Oh, I'm not entirely sure that this is taking place in the same time as the other island time line. This is LOST, so chances are...no.

-- So everyone is digging out Juliet but they can't get to her so Sawyer sends Jin off to the van to get chains. Hurley is with Jacob and they go back to the van. Jacob is looking at Sayid and looks concerned. Hurley is firing off questions and tells Jacob that he better answer because Jin will be back soon. Jacob says that Jin won't be able to see him because he died an hour ago. Classic Hurley line: Sorry dude, that sucks. He tells Hurley that he was killed by an old friend that tired of his company. Which I assume is whoever/whatever Locke is now?

-- Jacob tells Hurley that he needs to save Sayid. He has to take him to the temple and that Jin knows where it is. They will be safe there and he has to take the guitar case with him. Just then Jin comes running out of the woods. They go back to the hatch with the van and chains and Sawyer tells Kate that if Juliet dies he'll kill Jack.


-- Flight attendant-Other asks if there is a doctor on board the plane and that there is a passenger that went into the bathroom a half hour ago and isn't responding. Sayid appears and asks if he can help. He kicks the door in and they find Charlie in the bathroom not breathing. He has apparently swallowed a balloon of his little Virgin Mary drugs. So, this time line Charlie is still a junkie.


-- Sawyer and the gang get the junk free and he climbs down to Juliet. She tells him that she hit the bomb to let him go home and never have to come to this island. She says it didn't work; they're still on the island.

-- The people who brought dead-Locke back go into the cave and ask who Locke is and where Jacob is. He tells them that Jacob is dead and not to worry about him. He wants to talk about them. Something tells me that they shouldn't have come into the cave. This clearly isn't Locke. He tells them that if they are Jacob's bodyguards he has good news: Jacob burned up in the fire, so they can leave. The one guy stupidly shoots Locke and he disappears around a pole.

-- CLICKETY-CLICKETY-CLACKITY...here comes Smoke Monster! And he/it is not happy. He pretty much tears everyone up and kills them all. One of the guys pours some of that dirt that they found around Jacob's cabin and Smoke Monster can't get to him. What is this crap? And why does it keep the monster away? Oh yeah, it knocks the guy out of the circle and kills him.

-- Locke's back...but, wait. What? He tells Ben that he's sorry he had to see him like that? What the hell? This Locke is the Smoke Monster? Ben genuinely looks terrified of whatever this is. I love it!

-- Sawyer gets Juliet free and before she dies she says she has to tell him something really, really important. Josh Holloway has some lovely white teeth.


-- Charlie is getting arrested and tells Jack that he was supposed to die. Hmmm...yes. You were.

-- And...Desmond has disappeared. Where the hell did that sexy bastard get off to? Of course no one saw him.

-- Okay...maybe Non-Plane-Crash-Locke is still a sad sap. He's still in a wheelchair and that looks has Locke written all over it.

So what have we learned with the first part? Well, since it's LOST nothing is for sure, but it appears that there are two diverging time lines where they never crashed and I bet everything is going to fall to shit and then there is the time line where they set off the bomb but ended up at least in the same time period after Desmond blew up the Swan hatch. What will we learn next?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

'When In Rome' Review

Alright...let me preface this with the fact that I like Kristen Bell. I also like romantic comedies. Sure they are formulaic and there is nothing new to them. You watch them because...hell, I don't know why.

That being said, there are a few things that a romantic comedy requires in order to work. There needs to be two primary characters with chemistry. In this modern world that doesn't need to mean a man and a woman (see 'Imagine Me & You). However, those two characters need to have some kind of chemistry, otherwise the movie doesn't work. This is the case with 'When In Rome'. Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel have ZERO chemistry. None what-so-ever. It's like watching two complete strangers awkwardly pretend to like each other; which is exactly what it is, except they are actors and it should look like they like each other, or at least have some kind of interest in each other.

A romantic comedy also must have a story. Let's look at a couple of examples: 'Never Been Kissed' (one of my favorites). Journalist Josie Geller is a dowdy, dateless woman who goes back to her high school to write about teenagers today (well, 1999-today). She ends up meeting a man, her teacher, who is her same age though he doesn't know this, and she falls for him. It's funny, witty, predicable but, entertaining. There is chemistry between Drew Barrymore and Michael Vartan. There is a story. It works. Another is 'Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day'. The story is moving, and funny and sweet: Mrs.Pettigrew, a governess, gets fired and sneaks her way into the home of Delysia LaFosse, who mistakes her for a new hire and she immediately whirls her into her glamorous life and many boyfriends. But, true to romantic comedy form there needs to be a coupling. This movie has two: Miss Pettigrew meets and falls in love with Joe, a ladies underthings designers and Delysia has to choose between her true love Michael and the man who gives her all she wants monetarily, Nick. The actors are believable and likable, there are two stories, Bharat Nalluri is a great director and the production design is fantastic.

So, what about 'When In Rome'? What didn't this movie have? It didn't have anything that a romantic comedy should have. I already mentioned the chemistry part, but it doesn't have a story, charm, appeal, emotion...anything. It's like an hour and a half of looking at a screen trying to count the pixels on the digital projection...from the back of the theatre. Seriously, that's what I was doing. People were laughing and I was trying to figure out why I was just sitting there, then I realized these were the same people who willingly paid to see Alvin and the Fucktards 2.

'When In Rome' is about Beth, a workaholic who can't keep a man because she loves her job too much. She even says, "When I find a man that I love more than my job..." She says something else too, but I honestly only paid attention when I wasn't counting pixels. What's her job? Well, she's a curator. Where? Apparently at the Guggenheim, but we don't learn this, unless you recognize it in the beginning, until later. Oh, they also use the exact same music tracks in the beginning of the movie that they used in the trailer; it's like the laziness never ended. She's at some kind of thing and her friends (an obligatory fat girl, skinny-odd girl and a male-gay) all tell her that her ex (the gorgeous and underused in everything, Lee Pace) is there. She goes into this long diatribe about how he wouldn't dare show up there, blah, blah, blah, until the three friends all stare drop-jawed at her and she says, "He's behind me isn't he?" Yes, that's never used in anything, so thanks for putting it in here. This never happens in real life; in real life a person that overheard something would either walk away or bust in and say, "Yeah, I can hear you!" Oh, and then the ex starts yakking about how he was wrong and wants to start new and...as she's assuming he means with her, he says, "I'm getting engaged!" Everyone assumes the two of them are and...you get it.

After this VERY brief idea of who this character is, and a brief realization that you don't give a shit who she is, and since you were given little to sympathize with her over, you know you don't care to learn anything else about her later (don't worry, you won't), now we meet her sister who just pops up at her apartment announcing she's getting married to some dude she met on that plane to Italy. BUT THE WEDDING IS IN TWO DAYS! And Beth has an important exhibition that Morticia Adams has put her in charge of! Oh Deary Me!

Boom! We're in Rome. No more character development, nothing. Just 'I need to go to Rome', a bitchy boss, and a cab ride showing the audience all the places in Rome everyone already knows about. She's the Maid of Honor and everyone is waiting for the Best Man. In rushes...(I have to look up his name, I honestly have no clue what it was. Ben? Chuck? Percy?) Nick. Everyone looks at him, his phone rings, he drops it, and drops it, and drops it and drops it and drops itanddropsitanddropsit! So many God-damned times that after the first forty-two times you get the freakin' point. They awkwardly glance at each other and then a bunch of scenes from the trailer (I'm not even kidding) take place. At some point (more trailer scenes) she ends up in the Fontana D'Amore, drunk, and starts gathering up coins. Every coin she picks up had a wish for love attached to it (more trailer scenes. They could have had something with this premise and I think this is where the original idea grew, but it just went off into the ether somewhere along the line.)therefore every persons coin she picked up falls in love with her. Of course they are all men, she must have been wading in the 'Men Only' part of the fountain.

More and more stupid shit happens that really had no point other than to annoy the crap out of the audience. All the dumb men chase her around and all the while she "falls in love" with Nick, though we don't see why or how or even care about either of them. We don't care about anyone in this movie. But the problem is that she thinks he threw a coin in the fountain and so he's not really in love with her. But how to know? Don't care. You know how it ends and in this movie, it doesn't matter, you just want it to end.

The one funny part of this movie was when they went to some kind of "lights-out" restaurant where you eat in the dark. Apparently this is a real thing, though lord knows why anyone would want to eat in complete darkness. Why is this funny? Well if you are a fan of 'Flight of the Conchords' you will recognize the weird waitress/hostess as Mel the obsessive fan of the two boys from New Zealand. That's the only good thing and it ends pretty quickly when, for some stupid reason, all the men following her show up at the restaurant with night-vision goggles to profess their love to her.

Oh, you get more pratfalls, like when Nick runs into a tree and falls into one of those open sidewalk grate things that are in New York. People actually laughed, though it wasn't in the least bit humorous; not even worth making fun of. Coming from me, that's bad... If you are going to use pratfalls, you have to use them wisely and make sure that the actor doing them can pull them off (Drew Barrymore getting hit in the face by the door, for example). Neither of these two can make them work. Sorry.

What else do you get? Oh, you get BAD dialogue. Some of the worst, cheesiest dialogue ever. Sappy, stupid looks and kissing that is so bland and WTF? in feeling that even the purest little soul could watch and think, "Twilight was hard-core porn compared to this!" The dumbest and most inane thing was having Pedro not only play John Heder's cameraman, talking like Pedro but playing Juan or something, but then for some reason, adding him, as Pedro from 'Napolean Dynamite', in the end dance-montage that no one asked for, nor believes. It was so stupid!

A movie that I find this bad (So bad I can't even bring myself to mock it) only comes along so often. It's been awhile. You might ask: What the hell happened here? How did this get through with no one bothering to say, "Let's shelve this one?" Who the hell directed this crap-fest? Well, in answer to that last one, Mark Steven Johnson, that's who. If you said, "Who?", well I'll make it easy for you: Dare-devil, Elektra and Ghostrider. 'Nuff said. He also had a hand in writing various parts of all that crap listed above.

In closing, let me state: I found this movie so inane, stupid and worthless as entertainment that I would have watched a quadruple-feature line-up including '2012', 'The Day After Tomorrow', 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' and any of the 45 various 'Ice Age's, 'Shrek's or 'Saw's; and for note: I pretty much hate all of those things.

Monday, January 25, 2010

'Alone in the Dark II' Yeah, there WAS a I

Who remembers there was a 1? No one? That's what I thought.

While I am being cheeky, I will say that I did see the first one because I think I may have gone brain-dead; or I became brain-dead as a result of watching the first one, I don't know. It was Uwe Boll, so I tend to get confused because his movies are shit.

Anyway, the first one had Christian Slater, Tara Reid and some other people stumbling around in a badly acted, badly written, badly directed box-office flop. In theory it should have made sense: It was a well known and well liked franchise. But the cast and Uwe Boll made it obvious it was shite.
See for yourself:

Well, don't worry! Some retards plopped money down to make a sequel that really makes less sense than the one Uwe made...if that could be possible! It has a lower budget, a lesser cast and dumber story. Plus, it's straight to video! Check out the crap below!

But if I could be serious for just a moment: Nothing could ever topple the rage and anger I felt playing the stupid Alone in the Dark video game on the Nintendo Wii! That dumb character wouldn't jump when he was supposed to and the controls were so aggravating I felt like stabbing a hobo right then and there. The Irish/Russian rage was building so much that my living room was lucky I wasn't drinking or Hulk would've gone "smashy-smashy". No one should spend life after life trying to get the retard to jump to an area that he wasn't supposed to go just to find out that I had to turn to the left. Nor should they spend life after life trying to climb up a damn building on a rope because the stupid Wii remote wouldn't respond quick enough. Holy Hell-fire, I don't know what is worse: The Alone in the Dark movies or the video game? (I know the answer: the movies...it's Uwe Boll, for God's sake, nothing is worse [except maybe Emmerich])

'Cyrus' Trailer

On the one hand this looks kind of funny. On the other, these people are all playing themselves. Jonah Hill is playing that awkward, weird, fat kid while John C. Reilly is playing that border-line retarded character he's been knocking out in his last several films. Catherine Keener is playing that bitchy ex-wife with the big laugh, yeah, the same one from 'The Soloist'.

But at least it isn't talking chipmunks animated around Earl and the sexy Zachary Levi. At least there's that.

The low-down is thus: Reilly is what appears to be socially awkward and soon to be divorced from his wife. He meets Tomei and they start to date. She's perfect but she has a grown son (Hill) who hates Reilly. It kind of sounds like 'Stepbrothers' sans Will Ferrell and with a son instead of a stepbrother.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Doctor Who 'Silence in the Library' and 'Forest of the Dead'

I started watching Doctor Who about a month or so ago after watching 'Planet of the Dead' one evening on BBC America and I completely fell in love with it. It's weird because I LOVE Torchwood and never got into Doctor Who and now David Tennant is through with his run. And I can't sing the praises of David Tennant enough. He's charming as all get out on Doctor Who, but he's incredibly charming in real life. To quote him regarding Billie Piper, he's "buttered many parnsips" as far as I'm concerned. Does that even make sense? I don't care, he's awesome. So I'm sad because I'm watching episodes with him and it's the end, when the show comes back he won't be on it. I also plan on covering the best episodes of the entire series after I'm completely through

Anyway, on to what this post is originally for, the show and not gushing over David Tennant. I arrived at the season 4 episodes 'Silence in the Library' and 'Forest of the Dead' last night and today. And my stars, these two are two of the best episodes I've ever seen. There may be spoilers coming, so...

In the very beginning, pre-titles, we see a little girl in a library who is crying about people trying to get into her library and as the doors bust open we see the Doctor and Donna.

The Doctor and Donna (I love Catherine Tate on this show, by the way, she is so funny) arrive on a planet that is a giant library. There is no one else on the planet, no one. But there is a giant computer at the center of the planet and it shows that there are 1 million million lifeforms on the planet and 4,000 some-odd number of people saved. This intrigues the Doctor and Donna and soon they come across a statue with a living face (they are a type of computer-human interface device for the planet/library) that tells them that there is one message to be shared. The message says that they have to run, that something is coming and to run. So they run. And end up finding out that the shadows are what needs to be feared.

But this episode isn't that simple. There is another storyline weaved throughout and that is what makes this episode so incredibly awesome. As the Doctor and Donna are trying to figure out how to get out of the room they are in, the doors open and 5 people come busting in. One of the women, River, says that she knows the Doctor but he clearly doesn't remember her. She says she knows so much about him. She even has a sonic screwdriver that he gave her, but he doesn't get why he would have given her his screwdriver. She tells him that that is a spoiler.

As they are all now trying to figure out how to get out of the room, they find out that the shadows are eating people and the Doctor tells them that they are called Vashta Narada and they live in the shadows and take people. They are on every planet, but live in the forests and usually don't cause mass harm. You can see them in the dust in the sunshine. The Vashta Narada start killing the people and they find out that the reason they are on this planet is that they came from here. When further questioned the Doctor finds out that they weren't brought here, and weren't already here, but were in fact in the paper that the books were made from. The entire library is their forest and they want it back and the people are their meat. The Doctor sends Donna off to the TARDIS, but on the way she gets "saved".

Donna appears in this other world where a mysterious man, Dr. Moon (the kick-ass Colin Salmon, who I think should be a future Bond), talks to her at CAL (a hospital it is assumed) and tells her, even though she seems to forget things and keeps talking about a Doctor and a library, that she is recovering well. She meets a man who stutters, they date, get married and have children all within seconds. Later she gets a letter from a woman to meet her the next day and they meet in the park. The woman tells her that it is all fake and that all the children are the same; it's all fake.

Meanwhile, the Doctor finds out the the computer at the middle of the planet had literally "saved" everyone to the hard drive when the Vashta Narada came. It had nowhere to take them so that's where it put them. But, the little girl, who keeps hearing things and seeing the Doctor and Donna on the TV, throws her remote to the ground causing an alarm to go off in the library setting the computer self-destruct countdown on. The Doctor decides that if he can get the computer to shut down and reboot, he can get everyone out. But he has to hook himself up to free the computer's memory. Oh yeah, the computer IS the little girl. She's hooked up to it. Dr. Moon is the fake moon set up to monitor the library and protect it. So yeah, anyway, River knocks the Doctor out and hooks herself up. She handcuffs the Doctor and when he wakes he asks her who she is and how she knew his name (she whispered something to him earlier to prove that she can be trusted) because there is only one person and reason why someone would know that. She hooks herself up and saves everyone, killing herself in the process.

In the end the Doctor, who questioned why he would give someone his screwdriver and realizes that he did it in the future to save her now. Another paradox and I love it!

This episode is presumably setting up some future goings-on since River mentions that he shows up at her doorway with a new haircut and suit. No one spoil it for me if you've already seen anything related to this. She knows his name and knows him intimately in the future and that is intriguing. The episode is creepy, scary, sad, heart-wrenching and funny. Stephen Moffet is really one of their best writers and I look forward to him being at the helm of Doctor Who.

Here's a clip from the episode.

'Repo Men' Trailer

I would like to see this. Here we have some kind of dystopic world where people get organ transplants from some organization that will come repo your organs if you don't pay. Jude Law plays one of those repo-men and he's the best in the business. After he suffers a cardiac arrest while on a repo he is fitted with the latest heart from the organization and has to pay back a bill. Only problem is that he isn't good at his job anymore and I believe takes off on the run. Now his former employers are after him to repo the heart and he starts to fight back.

It looks bloody and fun and who the hell can resist Jude Law? I don't care if he's a bit of a man-whore...he sure is hot to look at and listen to.

'MacGruber' Trailer

I'll admit I was one of the first to poo-poo this trailer. Admittedly this is one of the few funny characters still on SNL. There aren't many. But it should only work for the few minutes on the show, yet this trailer is pretty funny without giving too much away.

I also love Will Forte and find him very funny, so I'll probably see this barring any further evidence of it sucking.

Here's some other MacGruber shorts: